just tell him i said nine months
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You're a waste of cheezeits
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!