the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life