i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
