i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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