The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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