The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
