I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
His nipple licking is glorious
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