im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?