Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Randomize
