fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
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I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
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Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
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