Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You're a waste of cheezeits
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
