you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize