omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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