My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
They are going to name an STD after you.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
