This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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