Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
