Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
