As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
