i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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