Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
