i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i've created a new STD.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.