So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
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Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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