mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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