Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol