he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
