Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
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He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
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I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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