based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.