I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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