She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
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Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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