I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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