I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
