And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
