That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
