I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
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do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.