I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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