Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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