I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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