there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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