Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
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I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
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My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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