He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
