I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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