Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
