I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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