So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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