the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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