we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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