toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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