hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
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