PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
