I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
