My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
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She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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